WHY ARE YOU A HOMOSEXUAL...How did you get here?

WHAT MAKES YOU A HOMOSEXUAL?

By C.J. Greene

Copyrighted 2012 by C.Miller

I’m sorry that must confess, that I didn’t understand something that I’ve thought about my entire life, until just recently. I’m not sorry that I’ve reached the age that I am; still being so naïve that I needed to ask these questions, in the first place. No, I am talking about my not truly understanding Homosexuality, until I did more research into the subject. And, after watching all those TV shows and news reports about men and women changing their sexual identities, I couldn’t understand why anyone would not want to be who they were born to be.

Therefore, I had to ask myself:

“Are Homosexuals denying who they were born to be, or are they truly being who they are and ACTUALLY want to be?”

Maybe, I am guilty of the very same transgressions that I am placing upon some other individuals by making this confession. I mean, I was born a poor, Black child in a lower middle class home, to parents who were destined to become separated within a year of my birth, partially because they were not legally married. I didn’t want to remain poor, and I certainly didn’t want to repeat the same mistakes that my parents had made, although in some respects I already had. I wanted to change my circumstances desperately and did everything I thought that (or that I was taught) to do to make it happen.

Most of those aforementioned circumstances were changed drastically over the years through my education and developing certain job skills. I am certainly still a Black, African-American, Mixed-blooded, Negro (or whatever the Society wants to call me) however, by my own standards I am no longer poor, I consider myself to be a citizen of the world, I have not changed my sexual orientation, nor do I wish to be separated from my significant other. I am no longer a child because I’ve grown up both mentally and physically, therefore, I have already changed several parts of my life that I did not like or had experienced while I was growing up.

 The fact that my parents did not live together while I was growing up did not wholly shape or affect my personality or totally define who I am today. The fact that they were not married did not affect my own desires to get married or be in a long-term stable relationship. I made conscious decisions to change the things about my life that I did not like, and to adopt the things that I did want to incorporate into my life, in an effort to “make it better” for me. I developed my own standards and vowed to live by them.

The fact that my father died when I was eight years old, but I was not told about his death until I was over sixteen years old, had a greater impact on my personality than the actual separation through his death itself, in my own opinion. You see, it was that great secret that my mother was keeping from me; a secret that she obviously was too ashamed or too afraid to tell me, that affected me the most. Some adoptive parents tell their adopted children about their “birth status” as young as age five. I knew about adopted children when I was a young teenager. I felt that I was mature enough to have been told about the circumstances surrounding my birth at a much younger age (probably at eleven or twelve, a mere 3-4 four years after his death.)

I never understood why she waited so long to tell me, although I figured out later on that she thought that she was protecting me somehow from the “pain” of knowing the truth. Unfortunately, she did herself and me a great disservice by withholding the information from me until she was practically forced to tell me. Then, when I finally did find out the truth, I felt “betrayed” because I had been led to believe this big lie about who my real father was.

Had some extenuating circumstances not presented themselves to her at that time, there was no telling how long she may have held out on revealing the truth to me. As a matter of fact, I think I remember her saying something to the effect that she was “waiting until I turned 18 years old” or until she “had to tell me”, whenever that was. But, it puzzles me that she didn’t see a reason to tell me before then. It never occurred to her that maybe (just maybe) children should never be kept in the dark about their parentage (or about their parent’s true sexuality or about other sensitive issues), especially after they are old enough to be told about “The Birds and the Bees” and particularly not after they start having sex themselves; which is exactly what I had been doing since I was fifteen years old.

Maybe if she had told me the truth earlier, I might have waited to have sex, merely because I was just missing the attention that most young girls crave from not having a loving male figure in their lives. In reality, I was just craving attention (period) from anyone to validate my own self-worth because I was such a very shy and withdrawn child who knew there was some greatness deep inside me. We speak so much about our own self-image and self-esteem, yet we don’t truly realize how important that having a “positive” self-image is in our personality development or in the development of our sexuality. Ironically, having a positive self-image has absolutely nothing to do with what you actually look like, or who or what your parents are or do for a living. It has to do more with how you are “parented” and “nurtured” and how much you believe and feel that you are worthy of love and attention...PERIOD!

I would like to remind the reader about the movie, “Mask” from 1985, which starred the singer named Cher. The young boy, upon whom the movie was based had a severely debilitating disease called craniodiaphyseal dysplasia, commonly known as “lionitis”; sometimes called the “Elephant Man’s Disease.” The disease caused the boy to develop a truly grotesque appearance; including a large head with misshapen protruding eyes, horrible skin lesions and malformed teeth, which may have been caused by his parent’s past drug use. He grew up having to adjust to abnormally difficult life circumstances based purely on what he looked like, but apparently not what he felt like on the inside.

The original Elephant Man, whose real name was Joseph Carey Merrick, lived in England from 1862 to about 1890, and suffered from the same “proteus syndrome”; a genetic abnormality that produces the aforementioned physical malformations. Mr. Merrick became a circus performer, of sorts, and people came from miles around to gawk at his “ugliness.” He ultimately became extremely famous, yet he died at the age of 27 in a public hospital, a destitute pauper; definitely not the fate that he had planned for himself (I am sure.) And, there’s no telling what his last thoughts were about his own celebrity status, or what he had felt about having this disease from birth, or about what his life had become at such a young age. I don't think he married or had any children. It would be interesting to know the answers to those questions.

But, getting back to the young boy in the “Mask” movie, he had surely developed a very high degree of self-acceptance despite his appearance, made friends easily, and managed to fit in nicely at the high school where he attended---because his parents gave him the confidence and the faith in his worthiness as a human being. That is, until it came time for him to begin dating. Ironically, it was not so much the fact that he was “unattractive,” that made it difficult for him to date, because his girlfriend was actually blind. It was the fact that the disease gave him a shortened life span, and he died suddenly in his sleep midway his senior year of high school, and both he and his parents knew that he would not have long to live past his sixteenth birthday according to what the doctors had told them.

           I do believe that if given a reasonable choice, most people would rather be mentally and physically healthy, rather than extremely “good-looking” any day. Cancer survivors don’t care about losing their hair as much as they care about not being around to spend additional time with their loved ones and their families. All the “personality” or beauty traits in the world is not going to help you survive a fatal disease. So, why then, do we place so much emphasis on our physical appearance, in lieu of our mental or physical health? It is because, our Society misleads us by telling us that who we are on the “outside” is infinitely more important that who we are on the “inside”; an anomaly that apparently does not affect those who are without sight. ie. BLIND

            This is a sad and very disappointing fact of Life that has caused more deaths by suicide, more divorces, more angst and anguish, more fights and arguments and more relationship problems than you could ever imagine; while simultaneously making BILLIONS of dollars for industries such as fashion, exercise, entertainment, dating services, and plastic surgeons around the world. Change your appearance and you change your life right? Maybe…, but how do you change who you really are on the INSIDE?

            That is the million dollar question that seems to have eluded us for centuries. Writers sell self-help books by the dozens, give lectures and seminars for hours, and we all eat it up like the manna of the Gods. What is the secret to self-acceptance, while simultaneously making or keeping our friends, pleasing ourselves, and above all maintaining our sanity? And, is sanity really all that important? Because we don’t seem to care about how sane a person really is as long as they look good, spend lots of money on us, or give us lots of sexual attention; have large genitalia or a big booty, even while they are driving you and everyone else around them crazy in the process.

 As any Hollywood divorce(é) could tell you,... all the makeup, liposuction, plastic surgery, hair extensions, fake fingernails, false eyelashes, workout videos, hair implants, butt implants, lip implants (or any other implant, for that matter) in the world is not going to change who you are on the inside, or get rid of your messed up attitude, personality flaws or crappy outlook on life, or change the way that you treat people, in general. In fact, neither can all the money in the world, save your messed up soul from perdition (hell), because: “Money doesn’t change you---it merely MAGNIFIES who you already are!” But, of course sanity is extremely important to your survival in this world, right? And, no one really wants to deal with a lunatic in any way, shape, or form in their lives. Do they?

So, exactly what does all this have to do with HOMOSEXUALITY, you ask?

           Plenty…because apparently, most (if not all) homosexuals think that by changing, hiding or denying their outer appearance, they can change who they really are on the inside. They struggle daily with an outer appearance that does not “match” up with what or who they feel or think they are on the inside. Then, the Society tells them that those feelings are wrong or sinful. They end up thinking that they are crazy, or that something else is seriously wrong with them mentally. It’s a wonder that they manage to function or a normal level at all, in their lives.

            In my opinion, (and this is in no way a scientific fact) most homosexuals or transsexuals are extremely confused and tortured people. But, I believe that if they learned more about Psychology, past life regressions, reincarnation, hormone balancing therapy or spiritual attainment, many of their confused thoughts, unanswered question, and ambiguous feelings would be resolved. And, if the Society learned more about how personalities and sexual identities are developed, we wouldn't be so hard on these people as they seek “identity balance” in their lives.

Sigmund Freud, (May 6^th, 1856 - September 23^rd, 1939) the famous scientist who studied the human mind, was actually an Austrian neurological physician, although most people associate him with Psychology. He invented treatments for mental illness and neurosis by using psychoanalysis. Freud is important in psychology because he studied the unconscious mind. The unconscious is a part of a person's mind of which he is not aware, and which they cannot control easily. Freud developed a “theory of the human mind” through analysing its organization and its operations. He also had a theory that human behavior conditions itself from how the mind and its thoughts are organized throughout a person’s life. This led him to favor certain clinical techniques for trying to help cure various mental illnesses.

He theorized that one’s personality is developed through a person's significant childhood experiences. 

Our personalities are basically formed by the time we are five years old, and according to Freud, our sexualities may be formed at birth. But, then that would mean that human sexuality (for the most part) is predetermined, --- either by our genetic makeup (nature) or by how we are raised by our parents (nurture) or more importantly by how we view our place in Society as a whole person (socialization). Which one is it? Or is it all three of them put together? And, trans-gendered people are a totally different case altogether, because many of them are born with multiple sets of genitals, severe hormone imbalances, or other sexual identity problems that may or may not manifest themselves until later in life. Many of them, consequently, are seeking to reconcile their inner feelings with their outer expressions of their sexuality.

My heart goes out to those people because I haven’t the faintest idea what if would feel like to be a stranger in my own body. Although, I struggled in my adolescent years with defining my own sexuality; at times believing that I was bi-sexual. In my twenties, had dreams of making love to women and I couldn’t understand the attraction that I had to my college roommate. But, I knew that ultimately, I loved men and wanted to be a mother above all else. Then, as I got older, I began to understand that sex was more of a feeling, than a person, place or thing---and if I could get that “feeling” from a flower, a sunset, a battery operated toy, or from a loving human being, that I would still be very happy. So, for the most part I have been correct, at least, when it came to my own personal satisfaction.

The most interesting aspect of all my thought processes was that I believed that not having sex at all, could lead to serious mental problems. That would belie the whole theory that religious people believed that not having sex brings a person closer to God. I wrote several letters to psychologists to get their professional opinions of both my own ideas along with their own assessments of human sexuality, without any definitive results. Some responded that sexual health or the lack of sexual activity had absolutely nothing to do with one’s mental health. Then why, I asked, did so many mentally ill people coincidentally have sexual problems and vice versa? Which came first---the mental problems or the sexual problems? And, why was our sexuality so inexorably linked to our daily physical and mental activities?

Dr. Sigmund Freud said that: “…people who are behaviorally abnormal are always sexually abnormal in his experience, but that many people who are normal behaviorally otherwise, are sexually normal also. Freud concluded that: “…a disposition to perversions is an original and universal disposition of the human sexual instinct and that…this postulated constitution containing the germs of all perversions, will only be demonstrable in children.”

http://www.liquisearch.com/three_essays_on_the_theory_of_sexuality/synopsis 

Therefore, in my opinion, our sexual health is an outgrowth of an open and honest balance between our true sexual desires being satisfied throughout our entire maturation processes, leading to ultimate happiness; whatever those sexual desires may be, so long as they were:

1. Normal (or within the realm of society’s definitions of normality.)
2. Moderately frequent (again, within the realms of normal or average frequency.)
   
   and
3. Not perverted (with the definition of perversion being any activity that is outside of the legal, moral, or religious norms of the society.)

Thereby, truthfully... homosexuality in and of itself, did not violate any of those tenets, except to the degree that it was deemed to be religiously “abnormal” an “abomination” or a “sin”, according to the Bible. But then, when referring to the Bible, it opened up a whole new can of worms concerning what is “normal” or is not “right” according to our changing religious and moral standards in the world today. But, why would our religious beliefs condemn homosexuality and the expression of God’s love between two human beings, regardless of their sexual orientation? My answers took me back to “Mother Nature” and what appeared to be “normal” animal behavior, again believing that if God had intended earthly beings (human or animal) to be homosexual, then animals would exhibit those same behaviors, also.

I watched animal TV shows endlessly, trying to gain more insight into the subject. What I found out was that it was extremely rare, in the majority of animal species, (if they possessed both male and female characteristics separately), for them to exhibit purely homosexual behavior, to the exclusion of other heterosexual behaviors that would produce offspring. Therefore, because God had intended both man and animals to replicate or procreate, then homosexuality must somehow be “wrong”, because homosexual behavior does not produce babies. It is merely a way to satisfy certain prevalent sexual urges, even in the animal kingdom. I do not believe that God (if you believe in The Creator) would want humans to continue to practice homosexuality at the expense of the extinction of the human race. However, I do also believe that homosexuality is a way to limit or reduce the population, and that this is the reason why we have so many sexually ambiguous humans being born these days.

But, then another question came to mind: “Why are there so many hermaphrodites or transsexual people also being born now? Did it have something to do with the diet or the environment? Does this anomaly have something to do with the changing roles of men and women in our society? Did the mental attitudes of pregnant women toward traditional work roles ultimately affect the physical manifestations, sexual behavior, and physical characteristics of their children? Has allowing women to participate in traditionally “male” sports programs somehow changed their genetic codes? Have modern humans created a new asexual being called the “androgyn”; one who is consequently incapable of procreation in order to control the overpopulation of the Earth and to prevent a continued depletion of our precious resources?

I also found that, both men and women’s sexuality blurred as they aged, especially women, after they went through Menopause. As our bio-systems re-adjust to falling sex hormones, the body changes naturally. Women grow facial hair and men have a tendency to grow breasts. This was a scary (but also somewhat comforting) thought, given my history of failed relationships and personal feelings of androgyny. I had had my children early in my twenties and thirties and now in my fifties, after going through a fairly uneventful Menopausal period, I was free to explore my true sexuality without the pressures (either internal or external) to reproduce myself. I could decide to satisfy whatever sexual desires I had or did not have as the case may have been, and I could get the “feelings” of sexual satisfaction from whatever or whomever I wanted. I was no longer in a committed relationship, I was free to come and go as I pleased, I was no longer tied to my hormones ---and I was finally HAPPY!!

But, then… the question of whether or not I was truly a “female” began to plague me again, because deep down inside, I had developed an aversion to males; especially since I was coming out of a very abusive relationship with a homosexual man who was “in the closet.” Although, most of my close friends were exclusively females, I did not want to pursue a sexual relationship with any of them. I merely enjoyed the company of females; finding solace in our mutual disdain for the males who had abused or were abusing us. I did not fear being alone, as I had in my youth, and I had developed a confidence in my future heretofore untold and unfelt. With age came the wisdom of knowing that I did not need a relationship to define who I was or was not on the inside or the outside. There were times that I felt very independently “masculine”, but when I did my hair and makeup and got dressed up in the morning to go to work, I definitely felt very “feminine.” I felt that my self-esteem was wholly intact and I didn’t need Society to define my own behavior or my personality or to decide what I wanted to look like physically or be like mentally.

           It seemed that since I was not “looking for a relationship,” I began to attract men like a magnet. Maybe because I did not appear to be a threat to them any longer, or because I was not pressuring them to notice me, or to engage in any meaningless conversations with me, nor did I want them to spend any inordinate amounts of time with me. Maybe they sensed my confidence and my inner happiness. I definitely felt more comfortable in my skin, although that skin had become a little more wrinkled and the body was significantly heavier than it was in my younger years. I felt reasonably healthy, and was still “attractive”, because I had taken good care of myself over the years, and despite the minor ailments that came with age, I managed to live my life on an even keel.

What had also given me this great confidence was the fact that, after having had several “past life regression readings” I found out that I may have been a very famous abuser of women in one of my last lifetimes. I did believe, wholeheartedly in Reincarnation, and I felt that I was paying a heavy Karmic debt to society by now being alone, and by not pursuing another male-female relationship at this time. By remaining single, I could therefore, free myself from the Karmic punishments that I might have experienced getting involved with another man who might have been one of my “wives” in my last life. It was an interesting theory.

The freedom that I experienced was exhilarating! I could pursue activities that were heretofore outside of my attention span, because I was so busy either raising children or catering to the whims of the men in my life. I didn’t have to cook if I didn’t want to. I didn’t have to do loads of laundry or shop for huge amounts of food if I didn’t want to. I could eat out on a whim and spend my time in the ways that pleased me, exclusively…especially by writing about my experiences.

Of course, because I had moved away from them, I missed my children tremendously because they had been such an intricate part of my life in the past, but they were now all grown up and had children and lives of their own. They no longer needed me to guide them as intimately as I had when they were younger. I felt that I had been a “good” mother and I had raised them to make good choices and to be responsible adults. But, what did all of this have to do with my original questions or topic of discussion,---Homosexuality?

Well, ----I think that at least one of my children might be Gay, and one of them may even be a bisexual. So, did I create them to be that way with my own thought patterns during their gestations inside my body, because I was a single mother and did not live with a man at the time? I started to feel very guilty, as if I were somehow responsible for their present choice of sex partners, or lack thereof. Was I guilty of creating their sexual proclivities? Of course, not! God is the ultimate creator, and my own desires or thoughts had absolutely nothing to do with the choices they were making now that they were adults. They had never seen me in a bisexual or homosexual relationship, and as far as they were concerned, they probably believed that I was 100% heterosexual. We never discussed my own sexuality, and I guess I took theirs for granted; believing and hoping that they would turn out to be “normal.” But we have absolutely no control over our children’s choices any more than they have control over their parents'.

What I would like to have had, was more open and honest discussions about our chosen lifestyles; where there were no secrets or fears of discovery. I definitely would not have told them lies or made them to believe things that were not altogether true about myself or how they came into the world. That is because children are extremely perceptive, and they know a lot more than we give them credit for knowing, especially these days when TV, movies, videos and their schoolmates discuss these topics openly and readily.

What I have found from my own experience is that children can become very resentful of parents who lie to them, for whatever reason. It is bad enough that we lie about our beloved, holiday characters, or whether or not we are home when the bill collectors call. Lying is the ultimate betrayal and destroyer of all relationships whether they are based on sex or not. Most parents forget that children develop their own sense of self-worth and confidence (character) from watching how their parents interact with one another and with other family members. First, they react to how you treat them personally, then they react to how you treat your family and friends, and lastly they react to how you treat strangers. Should there be any kind of “disconnect” or “ambiguity” in your actions, your child will instantly internalize your actions by either mimicking (imitating) them or by rejecting (reformulating) them in their brains which ultimately, affects all their actions and their behaviors.

Whenever they go out into the world to interact with others, they will initially imitate their parents, and if the reactions that they get from others are “positive” they will exhibit more imitative behaviors. If the reactions that they get from others are more “negative”, their reactions will probably be reformulated or changed according to the situation. This theory supports the fact that the increase in divorces, more cohabitation and pre-marital sexual activity may have had more of a negative effect on our children then we could ever have imagined. Thus, children coming from more stable homes will probably seek similar sexual life partners as their parents. But, children coming from unstable homes will “reformulate” and seek partners who are “outside” of the familiar norms. Unfortunately, my children were raised knowing who their parents (fathers) were, but for the most part we did not live together as a family unit for any significant length of time. That fact probably affected them more than I could have suspected that it would have.

Today children have come to believe that traditional marriage is no longer a “necessity”, neither for finding sexual satisfaction, nor for perpetuating the species. Sexual partners can be found on any street corner, or at any party venue, and if so desired, children can be produced in a laboratory Petrie dish or be carried by a surrogate mother. The “Battle of the Sexes” has put men and women at odds with one another and we no longer see the need for lifelong companions, yet some still long for the “fairy tale” relationships, get married without being properly prepared, and unfortunately end up with disastrous results ie. divorce, separation, and broken homes. Should we ever come to the point where “real” humans are no longer needed on Earth, we will surely be doomed to extinction as a species.

Our children have already been stripped of living their lives in traditional family settings with a wholly female mother and a wholly male father figure, and are now being raised by “sexual impersonators” or without parents, at all. Again, I advocate the return to true family values, but I also advocate the return to true sexuality. Women have babies for a reason, while men do not. That is the reason why males are supposed to protect the females of the species from harm and danger; especially when they are pregnant. Men and women are supposed to work together to strengthen the family unit of the species; not to weaken it with their own selfish desires.

We must make the effort to understand how and why our Society was formulated. Everything that is considered to be “old fashioned” is not necessarily “useless.” The ideas and moral tenets upon which the society is based were formulated by people who may have understood what we needed to survive in the future better than we, who live in the future, understand what we need for ourselves. The Sexual Revolution has produced nothing more than “girly" men and “butchy" (and bitchy) women who believe that it is their God given right to satisfy sexual urges that will do nothing more than destroy the society and send the human species into a downward spiral into oblivion.

We also must do more research on the debilitating effects of pesticides on the hormones and the development of the sexual organs of humans. Apparently, the present research has not been sufficient enough to convince the public that these substances are destroying our society in more ways than we could ever imagine. We have a group of people whose total “identity” has been changed by a substance that was supposedly created to make their lives healthier. Instead, we have punished them for having physical anomalies and mental abnormalities that are not their fault---or their parent's faults, for that matter. Would we discriminate against, ostracise, shun, commit serious acts of violence against, and cause the victims of other congenital diseases and malformations to commit suicide without repercussions? Why do we not wish to understand more about how this has come to be?

Although homosexuality, and other sexual/gender issues have existed since time in memorial, there seems to be an increased need for us to finally get to the ROOT of all these questions. Were we to treat the victims of Cancer, or blood disorders, or any other disease like we do homosexuals or trans-gendered or bi-sexuals, I think the entire society would crumble to bits in a matter of a few years. No one has the right to determine the fate of any human being on this Earth, outside of God. When we start “playing God” true destruction cannot be far behind.

Click on the picture below and read about thinking that homosexuality is a sin...that is only something that God can decide.

STAY IN YOUR LANE...GOD KNOWS HOW TO DRIVE!